It goes without saying that I’m irrational when it comes to sports. Only 24 years young, I have the following experience on my fandom resume:
-Did not attend school the day after 2006 and 2007 Patriots playoff losses
-Broke into a friend’s house when no one was home to watch March Madness (while also skipping school)
-Started “Yankees Suck!” chants at numerous Celtics home games
-Seriously considered missing a few meals so I could buy NBA League Pass (just kidding…kind of)
-Once halted the beginning of a college exam for the entire class because our school Dayton, was playing their rival Xavier in a tournament game. The game was about to end, and I periodically gave score updates until it’s conclusion. 5 minutes later, our class resumed and I scored a solid 40/100 on the test. Sorry, Mom and Dad.
-Many more that I’m sure friends and family have been privy to throughout my life.
I’m not telling you to be like me, that it’s okay to be like me, or even why I am this way. It’s a disease. Likely one without a cure. But through these times, I have found some great “hacks” to make sports viewing more enjoyable.
While these helpful tactics may make me seem even more calculated and crazy, I assure you it has brought a heck of a lot of rationality into my sports fan experience. These tips will help you become a better sports fan, a more sane sports fan, and a good friend (maybe not the last one). In lieu of the Greatest Day of the Year (1st day of March Madness) nearly upon us, I’d like to share this valuable knowledge with you all.
1. When playing March Madness pools, don’t submit more brackets with different outcomes.
I understand that it may make financial/economic sense to screw around with your bracket selections if you are involved in several office-style pools. But this is what kills sports viewing for me. Making several brackets to hedge your bets makes you seem evil and calculated. It destroys the fun, unpredictable nature of the tournament and turns you into a boring businessman (or woman!).
Select one outcome for a bracket, because it’s the right thing to do. You won’t confuse yourself, you stay loyal to the teams you chose, and you don’t look like an asshole while you watch the games with your friends.
2. Watch the outfielder on deep fly balls in Baseball.
This tip will save you a significant amount of heartbreak. The same rule applies in Hockey, but your eyes should focus on the back of the net. The reason this is so important is that you can save yourself from getting your hopes up too high before anything actually happens.
A scrum around the net in a close game? That is a SERIOUSLY stressful situation for fans of Hockey, I’m sure. But if you are only watching the net, you don’t need to worry about the incredible saves and missed opportunities that go hand in hand with the sport.
If you watch the outfielder drift back on a deep fly ball to the warning track, look at him and nothing else. Reading their body language allows the viewer to tell whether a ball will go over the fence or not, and you will no longer have to judge on the trajectory of the ball. It’s easy to get caught up in the moment and let your emotions get the best of you, but rationally watching a player’s reaction is much better than watching a sailing baseball get caught routinely at the wall.
Both of these skills take time to develop, which means you have to train yourself to adapt. I suppose that in doing so, the desired effect of being more even-keel as a fan is juxtaposed by the fact that you are training your mind to react to something you a) have no control over and b) is a hobby. Whatever.
3. If you’re favorite team is playing on the road and protecting a lead at the end of the game, mute the sound!
Once again, this tactic is a huge stress-saver. It’s amazing how your perspective of a sporting event can change simply from the ambiance and noise associated with it. Not having to deal with annoying announcers talking about the chances of your team losing is nothing short of a transcendent experience. The excited energy of a crowd rooting against you? YOU HAVE THE ABILITY TO IGNORE THEM, AND IT’S ONLY ONE REMOTE BUTTON AWAY.
Watch the end of the game with the sound off and you will be able to see the game as it’s meant to be seen, without emotion as a distraction.
4. Don’t Talk Trash to Opposing Fans after a Win.
This one goes against the normal conventions of being a sports fan, but hear me out. There is something known as “sports karma” and “sports etiquette”, and they are very, very real!
First of all, don’t ever text a friend who is fans of the other team after a tough loss. Just don’t. Ever. Even if you have something nice to say, they definitely don’t want to talk about it while the wounds are so fresh. I find this this tip is extremely important for people who aren’t fans of sports. As crazy sports fans, we understand that you pity us and perhaps even genuinely empathize with our pain, but the only thing that can help us at that moment in time is to vent to people who have a good context of what just happened. Sorry, extended family members, but I don’t need you to ask me if everything’s alright when the Patriots get bounced from the playoffs and I’m staring 100 miles off into the distance. Let me breathe.
Second of all, if your team has just won a big game and you talk shit to an opposing fan (ESPECIALLY over text message), I assure you that they will never forget it. Sports fans hold grudges; it’s kind of like Hollywood. We WILL return the favor (or lack thereof) one day in the future, and the retaliation will definitely be uncalled for and/or taken too far. Show some empathy and restraint and your friends will respect you more.
Please note that this rule does not apply when you are in attendance of the actual game. Trash talk away, because you don’t know these people and will probably never see them again. Screw off, random Jets fan!!!!
5. The less you know, the better.
If this photo doesn’t make you want to quit sports, I don’t know what can.
Probably the most important of all tactics, watching shows like “ESPN: First Take” or “SportsCenter” will ruin you before a big game. I know it’s tempting to catch up on all the news on your favorite team (What if we never make it this far again? I’ve got to live in the moment, man!) but trust me, all major network shows are a waste of your time. The people know exactly as much as you or I do, but the only difference is that they either played the game and have connections or are better looking than us. Don’t fall for ESPN’s fancy graphics and stats. “History tells us that no #1 seed has ever lost to a #7 seed in a regional final” is a pointless statistic that relies on circumstantial information and subjective opinion. These stats appear all the time on major network shows. Ignore them and you will sleep better at night.
As you can see, sports viewing at a high level is all about isolating the sane from the insane. It takes practice and it takes discipline, but it will make you happier. You could also, you know, accept that it’s just a silly game and not care, but that’s the craziest thing I’ve ever heard.
Enjoy the weekend, everyone. Watch safe, cheer safe, and most importantly…
Yankees Suck.
Diamond Bags 