Tell Me When He Retires, Tell Me When He Dies All-Stars

“Tell me when he retires, tell me when he dies.”

In the summer of 2009, amidst the Brett Favre Sportscenter Lovefest, I was finally fed up. Whether the decrepit quarterback was sending dick pics to a woman who worked for the Jets organization, or starting training camp as the new starter for the Minnesota Vikings, the news would not stop. Brett Favre was preparing to set records in the upcoming season for most consecutive starts at one position, most 4 touchdown games, defeating all 32 teams in his career, etc. etc. Some coverage was warranted, but it became incessant.

Anyways, I told Jesse that the Favre saga was too much. At this point in his career, I wanted to know two things; when he retired, and when he died.  When Favre finally called it quits, I wanted to know so we could honor him by looking back at his illustrious career/celebrate his departure. And when he died, so everyone in the sports world could do the same thing.

After a damn good season in Minnesota ended with a Favre interception (classic gunslinger-throw across the body on a broken play) against the eventual champs New Orleans Saints, Favre returned for one last season in 2010.  But I didn’t care he was coming back; I was tired of Favre.  “Tell me when he retires, tell me when he dies” I said. I almost got both at the same time when I thought I witnessed his death on the field.

After Favre, the “tell me when he retires, tell me when he dies” sentiment grew in popularity amongst friends. We used it liberally (maybe too liberally) to describe an athlete we were sick of hearing about. Coupling our exposure to sports media and the ease with which we could access it, with Sportscenter turning from informative to a gossip hour, we had plenty of opportunities to drop the infamous phrase.

Criteria:

-A sports figure has received too much attention from the media, and hasn’t begun to live up to the hype

-Someone who has past his or her prime, and holds on to the spotlight for dear life

-Bonus Points: ESPN dedicates an entire section of their “Bottom Line” to this person

Before we begin, let me make the all important point that we are in no way looking forward to these people’s deaths. We are simply stating a fact that nothing they do should be in the public eye other than their permanent leave from their league and their death (which has been and should always be chronicled by the media).  Now, let’s get to the list…

Brett Favre: The Granddaddy of ‘em All (literally)

Most of this was already covered above, but I think it’s noteworthy that to the best of my memory, Favre was the first individual to have his name as a “Bottom Line” section for ESPN ticker at the bottom of their broadcast screen. Since then, a slough of names have dominated headlines in places where teams, scores and highlights rightfully belong. This to me is a major problem in mainstream journalism. Favre began this trend with his “Will He or Won’t He” saga back in 2009, and it continued through the dawn of the Twitter era into the present. I don’t necessarily blame Favre entirely for this, for this type of persona-based journalism predated him and was likely to reach its peak popularity at some point this decade either way. What I do blame Favre for is hanging on to the spotlight, and his punishment for that crime comes in the form of this column.

Tiger Woods:

Look, I’m not saying that the Tiger Woods scandal wasn’t fascinating. The dude was the best player in his sport, and was sleeping with upwards of 70 women behind his supermodel wife’s back. There were even text messages leaked to the public between Woods and one of his mistresses that were “juicy” to say the least. That’s not what I’m giving Tiger a hard time for here, even though that’s what I or any other human should be giving him a hard time for here.

TW hasn’t won a major tournament in 6 years, and although he did regain his spot at #1 in the world rankings in 2013, it was short-lived. Since the media s***storm surrounding Tiger went into full hurricane mode, the World’s Best Golfer has never been the same.

Now, this could make a great documentary, wouldn’t it? Perhaps a 30-for-30? Why not. Here’s the thing though; up until that point, when Tiger is able to look back on his professional career and speak with some perspective on his situation, he demonstrates no value to me. I don’t care about Tiger Woods the golfer anymore, I just dont.

Tim Tebow: Mr. Hype Himself

We may need to add a bit to the expression for Tim Tebow. “Tell me when he retires, tell me when he dies. And tell me if he becomes an Evangelist preacher.”

Tim Tebow now works for the brand new SEC Network as an analyst. Does this mean he’s already retired from pursuing his NFL career? I don’t know, but Tebow really offers nothing more than a pretty face and bad mechanics throwing a football. Tebow isn’t exactly an intriguing personality, unless charitable work really excites you. He’s a good dude, but not quite good enough for the NFL, which means he’s not an asset for fantasy football.  Tell me when he retires (from broadcasting, from the NFL, from whatever he spends his time doing), tell me when he dies.

Joey Crawford: A Special Type of Infuriating

Sometimes, an athlete/coach/GM/personality can become so talented or so interesting that they can transcend the sport. Sometimes, an individual can be so persuasive, so charismatic, that the media coverage surrounding them becomes insurmountable. In cases like these, it’s really hard to point the blame on the individual, and perhaps easier to direct your hate elsewhere (like say, mass media).

This is not one of those cases.

Joey Crawford may be my least favorite person involved in sports. The first reason I feel this way is because I know his name, and I shouldn’t know it because he’s a freakin’ referee. Crawford has such an absurd resume of screw-ups and mishaps as an NBA official, it only took me 3.4 seconds to find this YouTube clip. Let’s break down a couple of things that really set me off about Crawford, besides his atrocious calls:

1. The way that he always seems to take center stage before making a call, so all eyes can be on him.

2. When he stops the game so he can employ rules that are academic into situations where absolute concentration from a player is necessary.

Alright, this section is getting a little BuzzFeedy, and I apologize for that. Just understand that I want to see or hear nothing more from him not because he has done anything important, but because he wants you to think that what he’s doing is important.

Johnny Drama?

Money Manziel is one of the more recent cases of TMWHR-TMWHD, but before we proclaim him an All-Star, are we sure we don’t want to see what he has to offer in the NFL? Yes, it does seem like every single day now there is a new controversy surrounding Manziel that has nothing to do with actual Football. However, I wouldn’t be surprised if Manziel could develop into something that resembles an NFL player. That’s the reason why we’re leaving him off the All-Star team;  he may actually be talented, and just might have the ability to put the money where his mouth is (see what I did there?).

So in the meantime, tell me when he plays a real football game, tell me when he retires, and tell me when he dies.

Here Are Your Finalists for Biggest Villain of the 21st Century

In Chuck Klosterman’s most recent book of semi-related essays, I Wear the Black Hat: Grappling with Villains, he defines villainy as the act of a person who knows the most but cares the least. Klosterman argues that knowledge of doing something malevolent and going through with it, regardless, is the root of evil. For without this knowledge, the actor can be declared unknowing or innocent.

While some of the villains on this list “maintain their innocence”, it can have a knack of implicating the individual further. Denying an act in some cases only proves the person cared so little that they neglected the collective feelings of the public, and only in order to serve themselves. On the other hand, why would denying make them more evil? Wouldn’t admitting to their “crime” prove how little they care?

“Hey look, I cheated, but we won, and it was worth it.”

The catch, however, is that if athletes admitted their wrongdoings, they would be seriously jeopardizing their careers; they must maintain their innocence in order to keep playing/winning/cheating. Thus, in keeping with Klosterman’s parameters, evil athletes don’t care that they gain an unfair advantage (at least for the ones that cheat), but care about winning and/or being successful so much that they can’t come clean.

Over the last 14 years, American sports has had its fair share of players, athletes and coaches who have embraced the “role” of the villain, even if they were labeled inappropriately. For the purposes of this exercise, we are also going to include them, simply because its extremely comical in some cases (we’ll arrive on that point later). In a way, this prototype of villain is similar to the actual concept of Klosterman’s, because the person knows they are hated, and they simply don’t care.

Regardless of how you want to classify it, it’s simply fun to root against some people in the Twitter-24-Hour-News-Cycle Era. Without further adieu, we give you the “best” villains since the year 2000.

 

 

Lance Armstrong

Sir Lance may very well be the poster child for this piece, for he achieved high status in his field of sport, American popular culture, and the business/philanthropy world. And those yellow bracelets. All of this of course was based on a lie. Perhaps the most undervalued aspect of Lance’s villainy is that in a way, he toyed with the public by gaining so much support over the fact that he survived–and beat–cancer.  Not only did Lance Armstrong become the most successful cyclist of all time (winning seven consecutive Tour de France’s), he also created a foundation that raised over $400 million for cancer research, creating a billion dollar enterprise in the process.

Here’s the problem with what Lance did: he parlayed his miraculous fight with cancer (which no one can ever take away from him, and is by far his greatest accomplishment) with the prospect that he was able to maintain exceptional shape and become one of the world’s most elite athletes. Lance inspired hope in everyone who has ever been diagnosed or known someone with cancer, but in doing so he raised the public’s level of hope and belief to an unattainable degree. Lance Armstrong was a great athlete, but he wasn’t that great. He is a villain because he based his entire life’s cause on the premise that he was that great. Lance wasn’t saying “I beat cancer, and now I’m living a happy, successful life”, he was saying “I beat cancer, and now I’m The Greatest”.

This type of false message is wildly unethical because it produced large sums of money for accomplishments that were tainted by strict, explicit anti-blood doping laws in the sport of professional cycling. Niccolo Machiavelli may argue that there was an end to justify a mean (Armstrong’s ability to raise awareness and money for cancer is the worthiest of causes), but I find it hard to believe that Armstrong selflessly kept his lie alive sincerely for the purpose of ‘protecting’ the public. No, I believe that Lance knew exactly what he was doing, and didn’t care. This makes him one of the biggest sports villains of my lifetime.

 

Barry Bonds

I don’t have anything very funny to say about Barry Bonds, which is fitting because nothing he ever did or said was close to funny.

Barry Bonds, perhaps the most obvious cheater of the 21st century, should be considered one of the best (or worst) villains of our era because to put it simply, he didn’t give a fuck. While the ex-Giants slugger did sign off on an autobiographical documentary , he otherwise appeared to make no attempt whatsoever to win over–or even engage with–the media and his fans. Bonds takes the idea of “knowing and not caring” to a new level because he was actively involved in his defense against performance enhancing drugs during the peak of his Home Run conquest as a ballplayer. While Bonds may have broken the all-time record for HR’s, it’s a) not even a question whether or not he cheated in order to do it, and b) likely that he won’t ever be voted into the Baseball Hall of Fame.

Barry Bonds is such a villain that no team would sign him after he left the Giants in 2007. He was too controversial a character for any professional team to seriously consider investing in him. That’s how much people hated him. Now that, ladies and gentlemen, is a villain.

 

Roger Clemens

Clemens appears at Fenway Park last week to have his number retired as a Red Sox. Ted Williams simultaneously rolls over his his frozen grave.

The Rocket is a special type of villain, because he remained evil throughout his career and afterwards, for separate reasons. Many years ago, there was an article written that covered Clemens’ wrongdoings up until 2001, so I won’t bore you with too much information. Instead, I’ll sum up all of the shady things Clemens has done since he entered the league.

-Did Roger Clemens leave the Boston Red Sox in 1996 to sign with a weak Blue Jays team for more money, hire a personal trainer to get into better shape, and not acknowledge Boston fans in any way when he departed? Yes, he did.

-Did Clemens then leave the aforementioned Blue Jays to sign with the Yankees to chase championships in a LeBron James-like fashion? Yes, he did.

-In the 2000 World Series, did Clemens throw a piece of a bat at Mike Piazza for no apparent reason, and defend his actions by claiming that he thought it was the ball he was throwing directly at a player for no reason, but NOT the bat? Of course.

–Before he achieved his 300th career victory, did Roger Clemens wear a patch on his glove commemorating the milestone, only to lose the game to his former team? 100%.

-Did Roger announce his retirement before the 2003 season, and make his rounds in visiting ballparks like Mariano Rivera and Derek Jeter, only to return to baseball–but for a different franchise? Did Clemens pull the exact same move 3 years later? Next Question.

-Was the fireballer from Texas explicitly implicated in using performance-enhancing drugs, yet VEHEMENTLY denied it for years and years, thus getting him into further trouble with the law? You get the idea.

Roger Clemens, in the words of MC Ren, is a “ruthless gangsta, definition: villain”. Nobody that I can think of was hated by the public for such a long period time, and he managed to attain this while going from one heinous act to another. The good news for Clemens? He’s only 52 years old. He has plenty of time to engage in more shady business.

 

Bill Belichick

Coach Belichick actin’ all friendly and such with his ex-Quarterback, Drew Bledsoe.

Me to my fellow Patriots friend Brian: You know we’re going to have to include Belichick in the villain article, right?

Brian: What? Why??

Me: I mean, people have plenty of reason not to like him. He got caught taping other people’s practices, he may have known about some of the illegal activities Aaron Hernandez was getting into–plus his press conference after Hernandez’s arrest was awful–and he walked out of the stadium without shaking Tom Coughlin’s hand after the 18-1 game.

My friend Ben, also a Patriots fan: Also, he’s just kind of a dick.

That’s right, folks. You heard it here first–Patriots fans admit Belichick is sort of a scumbag! It would biased of me to speak otherwise. I think that deep down, everyone in New England sees Belichick for kind of an evil dude, but is willing to look past it because he is such an intelligent individual. Belichick is more unlikable than he is a villain to be honest; he hasn’t broken the law, hasn’t lied to a grand jury (which I know is also against the law, but I figured I’d clarify because Clemens was acquitted of this charge). However, the combination of success and arrogancy is what makes Belichick the NFL’s most hated individual (other than the impossibly evil Roger Goodell).

Going through Chuck Klosterman’s diagram of a villain, Belichick certainly appears to know the most. His draft choices, play calling and roster moves are unethical to say the least, and he continuously lets his best players walk to save salary cap space. But Belichick doesn’t care; it’s all about being successful at the end of the day. Perhaps a Patriots hater’s favorite moment in the past decade was seeing Brady and Co. get stopped on 4th and 2 on their own 28 yard line with time running out in the 4th quarter against the then-undefeated Indianapolis Colts. People loved it because not only did the Patriots lose in gut-wrenching fashion, they lost because of Belichick’s strategic cockiness.

Whether or not you think Belichick’s “bedside manor” in press conference is funny, smart, rude, or horrible, its obvious that Belichick has done very little to connect with the media and fans. This is fine for supporters of the Patriots, because they understand that winning is more important in a case like this, but it’s easy to see why his poor reputation stems from his lack of tact in public. Plus, everyone hates how damn good Belichick and the Pats are, even with their best players are sidelined with injury. GO PATS!!

 

A Villainous Digression: Alex Rodriguez is Not a Villain

A-Rod makes an appearance at a Madonna concert with a woman who he dumped moments later for Madonna.

While A-Rod may be one of the most hated athletes (not only this century, but all time?), I can’t classify him as a villain. While he may have one of the qualifying attributes (maintaining innocence for using PED’s over a long period of time, regardless of the countless evidence to the contrary), he fails to register on any villainous scale because he cares too much. All his career, Rodriguez has tinkered with his public perception–especially once he joined the New York Yankees in 2004–in order to “appear” like a nice, fun-loving guy. Now, I’m no body language expert, but I can tell the difference between Derek Jeter being a leader and A-Rod pretending to be one. I can’t speak for Yankees fans, but I think this is the root of their problem with their highly overpaid 3rd basemen–he has always tried to act like he is a good teammate and person, but acting simply isn’t enough.

By holding on to his idea of what Alex Rodriguez means to the general public, A-Rod has been unable to embrace the prospect of being one of Baseball’s biggest villains. While I won’t be condoning this type of behavior any time soon, A-Rod’s problem is that he wants other people to like him so much that he can’t even bring himself to understand how others might perceive some of his actions as wrong, or evil. Alex is no villain, just a phony.

 

Kobe Bryant

Bryant welcomes Jeremy Lin to the Lakers while appearing in his self-mandated uniform of all-black.

The Black Mamba is a curious case, because he is actually a very nuanced type of villain. He started out just a competitive young guy, with a common upbeat energy. Winning championships brought him to a mental state from which he could not return (“I’m the best, this is my team”). His subsequent issues with Phil Jackson and Shaq, amongst rape allegations took his villainy to another level.Without shedding too much light on the events take took place in Eagle, Colorado all those years ago, it’s safe to conclude that this was a pivotal moment in Kobe’s villainous career. Once Kobe was charged for statutory rape–and then acquitted–he became one of the most hated players in the NBA. The chip on Bryant’s shoulder grew to an astronomical size, and he fully embraced his role as the anti-hero. In his formative years, Kobe has taken to wearing black at all times (perhaps to promote his clothing line? probably not…) to further embrace his persona. Someone with cultural awareness as high as Kobe’s is smart enough to understand that the color black is most associated with being The Bad Guy, and Bryant has passed the test of evil with flying colors (pun very much intended).

Last season, as he was maimed by injuries, wearing black at the end of the bench,  Kobe endured being the last big star remaining on the Lakers. He’s now the veteran that players and fans alike love to fear or to hate. You want to respect him, he wants you to respect him, but if he knows you respect him, then he considers you to be a peasant. It defies all the normal conventions of respect. Respect is usually returned by gratitude. So you end up saying, “fine, fuck you, Kobe” which in the end is what he really wants.I think this thought process (which we’ve projected on to Kobe) is what makes him a villain, but also a fierce competitor. While it’s also important note that he’s never (successfully anyway) “teamed up” with another superstar in order to win a championship–at least not in the artificial way that it seems to happen these days–,one should also keep in mind that Kobe enjoys being The Guy. In the Mamba’s mind, the more negative spin on his persona, the better.

Tony Stewart

While the jury is still out on Mr. Stewart, try your best not to let this photo sway you in either direction.

While criminal charges don’t appear to be coming, Tony Stewart killed a fellow driver, Kevin Ward Jr., after he spun the guy out of the race. Did Kevin Ward walk dangerously out on to the race track after he was fishtailed by Stewart? Yes. Will this exempt Tony Stewart from criminal charges? Yes. Does it make Stewart less of a villain? NO!

I know it’s easy to sit back and say he could have avoided him, but my humble opinion is that Kevin Ward’s death was no accident . Both men are at fault, but once Ward wandered out on the track, only one man could change what happened next. Stewart is a really good driver. As in good enough to avoid Kevin Ward.

Also, I don’t follow NASCAR, but everyone says Stewart is an asshole. This doesn’t help his reputation, accident or not.

Ben Roethlisberger

Unfortunately–for the legal system and the NFL’s credibility–this was the closest Roethlisberger ever came to wearing a prison uniform.

I think what makes Big Ben such a bad guy is that he committed one of the worst crimes known to man, got off relatively unscathed, served a 6-game suspension (6 games!!!), and then went back to living his life like nothing happened. In the case of “Ben” (as broadcasters so amicably refer to him), I find it loathsome that he did little to maintain his innocence. Roethlisberger has been rumoured to have sexually assaulted a woman not once but twice (!!) and he’s still playing in the NFL. To me, Roethlisberger is one of the biggest villains on this list because he seems to be so under-the-radar. Perhaps this is because his skills and numbers have declined (stats may say otherwise but Pittsburgh has tended to pass the football more and more often, inflating passing averages for Big Ben), or that his team hasn’t made the playoffs in a couple of years, but all I have to say is the Mike Vick got suspended and went to jail for abusing not human beings, and Big Ben sat out 6 weeks for abusing a real-life human being.

 

Rick Pitino and John Calipari: The Most Interesting Villains in the World

Vito Corleone doing his best Rick Pitino impression.

If a big part of being a villain is looking the part, Rick Pitino fits the bill. His white suits, slicked back hair, and overall demeanor is straight up frightening. Oh, and before I forget, he had an affair with a woman in a restaurant after closing (the owner left him the keys so he could lock up after). Pitino paid her 3k to get an abortion as a result of their sexy times, but refused to give her the cars and college tuition for her kids that she demanded. As a victim of extortion, Pitino not only came clean about the affair, but provided some great detail about the deed. According Rick Pitino’s wikipedia page, under oath, “Pitino down played the pair’s sexual escapade. The complete act took, the coach testified, ‘No more than 15 seconds’”. Great stuff.

Pitino’s recruiting violations are not really notable, at least ones he’s been punished for. As an assistant coach for the University Hawaii in the 70s, Pitino was cited for handing out McDonalds coupons to his players, buying their plane tickets back to the continental U.S., and providing players with used cars (cause Hawaii’s public transportation system sucks). This violations pale in comparison to Coach Cal’s, but they are not exactly ethical.

Finally, I have to add that Rick Pitino’s tenure as the Boston Celtics coach adds to his villain legacy. This press conference sealed his fate in Boston Celtics fans’ eyes as an a**hole. You can’t call the legendary Larry Bird, Kevin McHale, and Robert Parrish ‘gray and old’ and expect to stick around long. Pitino cemented himself as a villain in Boston in just 15 seconds 😉

I assume that if you rub Coach Cal’s head enough, money starts to come out of his ears.

John Calipari is perhaps the toughest of characters to categorize. In my summation, Coach Cal is one of two things: he is working so hard to build his public persona as a go-getting, smooth-talking guy because he so desperately wants to cover up his bad side, or his go-getting, smooth-talking attitude forces people to presume he is a bad guy because of how we label successful people like him in society. Take a look at these undisputed facts:

-Every University John Calipari has left has been under direct violation of NCAA grades/recruiting policy, and all wins under his tenure have been vacated.

-John Calipari openly talks about how his goal as a college coach is to prepare players for the NBA, as opposed to finishing school and getting an education.

-John Calipari is set to make somewhere around $7 Million each year from now until 2021.

-For the most part, every player who has ever played for John Calipari adores him.

Does this mean that Kentucky’s Head Ball Coach is using his players’ talent alone to move up the ladder of success, while callously overlooking NCAA restrictions on recruitment? Or does he genuinely care about his players, and will do whatever it takes to ensure that they live successful, prolonged professional careers in the NBA which they can’t legally attain at the age of 18?

There are two sides to any story, and in the case of Calipari, both arguments are extremely compelling. Perhaps we will have to wait for the inevitable Kentucky recruiting violations to surface after he leaves his current school, but until now Coach Cal’s status as “villain” will have to remain up to the people to decide.

 

Honorable Mentions: Nick Saban (too similar to Belichick), Rasheed Wallace (kind of the man), Skip Bayless (too obvious) , Stephen A. Smith (ditto), Any ESPN Personality (too boring), Mike Vick (America “forgave” him, I guess…)

Too Evil to Write a Think Piece About: Roger Goodell, Donald Sterling, Jerry Sandusky, Aaron Hernandez (yes, we’ve grouped Roger Goodell with a racist, pedophile, and murderer)

 

Kings Bowling Alley is the King of Nothing

Kings bowling alley right behind the historic Boylston St. in Boston is not the “classy bowling joint” they advertise themselves as. Their website has a vintage slideshow; black and white photos scroll across the screen. Similarly, inside the bowling alley, old school flyers float around that are so vividly different than what you’re standing inside its baffling.

Before I continue, my last name is King. I just want to be sure that no one thinks that Kings is my family establishment. I would be ashamed.

Now that I’ve cleared that up, let the rant begin. As a semi-avid bowler with semi-avid bowler friends, when I see a $20 for $40 Groupon to a bowling alley, I jump on that opportunity. Two things I immediately noticed upon entrance; it was dark and loud. Not exactly two features you want to define a bowling alley.

My eyes adjusted to the dark lane after the first few bowls, so I couldn’t blame my measly score of 89 on the dark. The music was a whole other issue. I’m not too familiar with the decibel scale, but this music is loud and atrocious. I can’t even name the “artists” on the shitty playlist they had. Everything sounded the same. I couldn’t converse with my bowling mates, or even hear myself think for that matter.

Let’s put it like this; we bowled one game. Bowling one game is like an unassisted triple play, in that it almost never happens. Bowling one game is a rarity because it usually serves as a warm up round to work out the kinks (not the band). But we only played one game, which speaks volumes to the ambiance. (I would like to mention that even though Kings was more of a nightclub than a bowling alley, there still remained a solo, middle-aged dude in jeans and striped shirt bowling many games and drinking bud light. Just like every other bowling alley.)

We tried playing shuffleboard in the game room, but the lighting was even dimmer. When the asked if the light could be turned on so we could actually see the shuffleboard, the Kings dude laughed and apologized. “Welcome to the cave” were his only words.

 

This picture from there website is false advertising. The game room only sees this much light during the photo shoots.

 

There was one really awesome thing about Kings. They had framed pictures of all sorts of celebrities (mostly athletes, but not just from Boston, as Charles “Peanut” Tillman was on the wall) that bowled at Kings. There were some magical pictures, but I’ll leave you with just one :

http://kingsbowlamerica.com/boston/photo-gallery/

 

 

A Recent Observation in the World of Sports

I forget where I saw the headline first, but yesterday, it was reported around the sports world that the Lakers had won the Carlos Boozer amnesty waiver bid. It was not a satirical article from The Onion, nor was the word ‘won’ in quotation marks. Because let’s get one thing straight; the Lakers did not win with this move. Boozer is 32 going on 40, a major defensive liability, and doesn’t jump when he shoots. Chicago has to pay the bulk of his remaining salary, but the Lakers still have to pay the guy 3.2 million dollars. And for what? To stand in the way of their first-round draft pick Julius Randle? Or to compete with Steve Nash for most injury-prone on the team? Boozer is also not blessed with the best looks, and LA is a vicious town, so I don’t think this a great fit for the Booze Cruise’s personal life either. So the headlines are wrong. The Lakers may have “won” the right to Carlos Boozer’s expiring contract with a measly bid, but in doing so, they lost.

Spoiler Alert: Story Lines for the Upcoming NBA Season

I’ve always said that the NBA is my favorite TV show. Year-round drama surrounds the league, with its superstars being the focal points on and off the court. Whether it’s ESPN, Twitter, or the immortal Basketball Wives, professional basketball players appear to be the American athletes chronicled the closest. Perhaps this is because, like soccer, the players appearance is the same when they are playing as it is outside of basketball. This is to say, there are no helmets, no hats, and no pads. Only Basketball allows the fan to see the players in the exact same light (and dimensions) as they would see if they were walking past them on the street (save a couple of hipster glasses).

NBA athletes also tend to be the most outspoken and high-profile athletes of our generation. Whether its by making free agent decisions over nationally broadcasted TV specials or hosting raucous parties that are broadcasted over social media, it appears that NBA lifestyle is the New Money American Dream. Furthermore, the League has done a stellar job of marketing its starts, helping to give them personalities outside of the game itself. Professional basketball is now fun to watch not only for the spectacular dunks and crossovers, but because the average fan can feel some sort of personal connection (albeit contrived) with the players that are performing.

This brings us to the off-season, which is kind of an inaccurate way to describe the season’s break during the months of June to October. Unlike most sports, the NBA news cycle never appears to cease. Quickly after the Finals conclude, it’s time for the Free Agency (which is even more vast now due to the new maximum contracts being 4 years), and then the always-entertaining NBA Draft. The Summer League in Las Vegas gives the die-hards their pro-ball fix, and before you know it, its time for the pre-season.

It’s only mid-July, yet the NBA is buzzing with storylines for the 2014-15 season. Cast members have switched locations, and so have the plots of their stories. Antagonists have become protagonists, depending on where your loyalties lie. Let’s visit some of these stories that lay ahead for fans of the League over the next 12 months.

Storyline #1: LeBron James and the Cleveland Cavaliers have a chance to face the San Antonio Spurs in the FInals.

We all know the ins and outs of LeBron’s decision to return back to Cleveland by now, so we won’t dive into that. What’s far more interesting is when you look back to James’s last stint for the Cavs. Cleveland made their one and only finals appearance, only to be swept by Tim Duncan and the San Antonio Spurs. Since then, LeBron and the Spurs switched places on the NBA pedestal (not once, but twice) as the two teams took turns winning the Larry O’Brien Trophy over the past two NBA seasons. Nearly every casual fan was cheering for the Spurs to end the Heat’s two-year title reign this past June, but now I suspect that most people will turn their allegiances to Cleveland, and the amazing prospect of LeBron bringing his city their first title since 1964. Imagine if that finals victory were to come at the hands of the Spurs–the team that up until this point has been LeBron’s biggest foe (sorry, Celtics fans, it’s true). The Cavaliers would in all likelihood be the underdogs of that matchup, and LeBron would once again be looking for revenge at the hands of Duncan, Coach Pop, Tony Parker and co. This is a dream scenario, and hopefully we as fans will be fortunate enough to see it unfold before our eyes.

Storyline #2: The Los Angeles Lakers will likely miss out on the playoffs for the 2nd straight year for the first time since 1976.

Jordan Hill: 2 years, $18 million.

Nick “Swaggy P” Young: 3 years, $21.5 million.

Jeremy Lin: owed $15 million this season.

Feel free to read those three lines over again, and maybe one more time for good measure. With large sums of money owed to Steve Nash and Kobe Bryant as well, the Lakers clearly have no intention of being good this season. What’s more, unless LA is able to secure a top-5 draft pick next season, they owe it to Phoenix. Therefore, I can’t imagine the Lakers being anywhere close to .500.

Here are a few miscellaneous things I’m looking forward to during the 2014-15 Lakers season:

-Kobe Bryant’s cynicism, and his passive-aggressive comments to the media about the Lakers’ incompetent front office.

-Celebrities slowly stopping to attend Lakers games, only to be seen in red, white and blue supporting the Clippers.

-The Lakers’ turnstyle defense, especially at point guard. Steve Nash and Jeremy Lin should be a hilarious combo to watch, especially if you have your fantasy point guard going against that tandem.

-Phil Jackson’s responses to Kobe Bryant’s cynicism, and his own passive-aggressive comments to the media about the Lakers’ incompetent front office. You know it’s coming.

 

Storyline #3: Carmelo Anthony missed out on a chance to win a championship…and for what?

It’s not a huge surprise that Carmelo Anthony elected to stay in New York. His wife loves it there (and rumour has it that she more or less forced him to NYC in the first place). Phil Jackson is the new president (and GM) of the organization, and there’s no doubt that he used some of his rhetoric to convince ‘Melo to stay in the city that never sleeps. HOWEVER, what Carmelo took is a path that is often criticized in mainstream culture, which is to say that he stuck with what he knew. He took the money, he stayed in a place that he was used to, and more than that, he insured that he can remain the most important player on a half-decent team. It’s unclear whether or not Carmelo ever had any desire to leave New York, or step outside his comfort zone and join a team where he wasn’t “the star”, but electing to go to the Chicago Bulls would have been the correct basketball decision.

Anthony had an opportunity to change his own legacy in several ways. Tom Thibodeau’s defensive mindset would have ensured that Carmelo gave full effort on both ends of the court. By having veteran players such as Joakim Noah and Derrick Rose on his team, it’s also fair to say that Carmelo could have developed a toughness that his jump-shot friendly game lacks as of now. ‘Melo also had a chance to end any sort of conversation about “winning the big one”, as he would have made Chicago the next “Super Team”, on paper, at least. Perhaps Anthony, Jackson, and the Knicks are looking ahead to a few summers from now where they will have more cap space to sign free agents (Kevin Durant comes to mind), but as of now, the Knicks’ star took the easy way out.

 

Storyline #4: The Houston Rockets really blew it.

This mess all began when ex-Rockets swing man Chandler Parsons sat down in an Orlando club with Mark Cuban to sign a $46 million offer sheet. First of all, hilarious. Second of all, this seemed “acceptable” for the Rockets, because in their minds, they were on the verge of acquiring Chris Bosh via free agency. Next came the salary cap-dumping trade of Jeremy Lin to the Lakers, thus creating more space to potentially sign Bosh and others (meaning Pat Beverley is their only point guard as of now). Once LeBron elected to sign with Cleveland however, Bosh realized he could sign back with the Heat for more money, which is exactly what he did. The Rockets then signed Trevor Ariza to a 4-year, $32 million contract (who they acquired in a trade with the Wizards) to make up for the loss of Parsons, whose offer sheet they declined to match. This makes plenty of sense financially, until you realize that Parsons was owed less than $1 over this upcoming season.

The Rockets chose to let Parsons walk because they knew he would demand more money in an open market next season, along with the expiring contracts of their current superstars, James Harden and Dwight Howard. Problem is, Parsons is now with their cross-state rival, they added an extra $8 million per year to the cap with Ariza, and still need to address the issue of whether or not their team can win an NBA Championship (much less, a playoff series) with Harden and Howard as the crux of their franchise. Signing Chris Bosh to a long contract would have solved their problems, but once that option disappeared, the Rockets became in limbo what is a loaded Western Conference. With no signs of rebuilding in the near future, Houston faces a great deal of uncertainty heading into the 2014-15 season and beyond.

 

Storyline #5: Where (and when) will Kevin Love go?

If the NBA truly were a television show, episode 1 of this season would have started with Kevin Love turning on the TV to see that LeBron was taking his talents back to Cleveland. LeBron’s decision (pt. 2) set all the NBA storylines in motion, and none have been influenced more than Kevin Love’s. Almost immediately after news broke of James returning home, rumours started to fly that Cleveland was going to trade at least one of their #1 draft picks in order to acquire the Wolves’ Power Forward. Some pundits even hinted that LeBron purposefully left out names of those players in his SI article, because he had some front office foresight that they were about to be swapping teams.

Since then however, little to nothing has happened. As of today, it appears that talks between the Warriors and Wolves are back on. It wouldn’t be that big of a surprise if the Wolves elected to hold on to Love until the trading deadline later on in the season if they are unable to get back the pieces they want in return, but the clock is ticking. The Wolves are more or less forced to make a move by then, or otherwise suffer the loss of Love walking out on the team in free agency without receiving anything in return. This story is far from finished, and it remains the most enticing question-mark of the off-season.

(Hometown) Storyline #6: Thoughts on the Celtics offseason and upcoming campaign?

Danny Ainge and the Celtics have been pragmatists this off season. They kept both of their first round picks in the draft, and took Marcus Smart (OK State) and James Young (Kentucky), two heralded freshman with impressive first-year campaigns. There was no Kevin Love draft-day deal a la the KG trade in 2007, despite all the hype. Then, the Ainge helped the Cavs clear cap space to lure LeBron, and took Cody Zeller, Marcus Thornton, and yet ANOTHER first round draft pick for basically nothing. This trade got the Celtics some much needed size (they have to at least be presentable this season), and gives the team 3 (yes, three) first round draft picks in 2016. #assets

This comes as a surprise to some, after owner Wyc Grousbeck hinted at some fireworks this summer. But, as a Celtics fan who desperately wants them to return to their winning ways, I am actually content. Would I have loved to get Kevin Love and pair him with Rajon Rondo? Yes. Would the Celtics have had enough surrounding pieces to compete against the Cavs, Bulls, Pacers, Wiz, etc etc? Probably not. Ainge is a damn good POBO (Prez of Basketball Operations), and he’s slow playing his hand right now (like Paul Pierce this past weekend). In Ainge We Trust.

The Green have an incredibly bright, committed head coach, and a slew of draft picks and young players. One big questions that remains is Rajon Rondo; his deal expires next summer, and there’s talks of the Rockets being interested in trading for him. I’d imagine the Celtics would like to see him play a bulk of the upcoming season and see how he responds now that he is fully healed from injury and prepped for the season ahead. But drafting Smart over Randle, and signing Bradley to a 4 year, $32-million dollar extension aren’t exactly Rondo-friendly moves.

The Celtics are positioning themselves for the next five years, not next year. And they’re doing a damn good job.

Storyline #7: How about the Wizards?

 

Basically, this sums it up. Andrew Sharp explains it all. Main points to take away:

1. They re-signed Gortat at a reasonable amount for a rim protecting, face sneering, big man. Plus, he has a rim protecting, face sneering, partner in crime who’s also not American

2. They didn’t re-sign and overpay Trevor Ariza, so the Rockets did

3. They signed Paul Pierce and didn’t over pay him, for two years, 11 million. So they got an Ariza replacement who’s more clutch, for a cheaper price

4. They still have that budding superstar from Kentucky in John Wall, plus another guy that ain’t bad either, who will play big minutes so Paul Pierce can rest his feet, knees, legs, shoulders, heart, elbows, hips, joints, etc etc.

5. (Andrew Sharp’s biggest takeaway) The Wiz are a playoff team that veterans respect and will flock to (a la Paul Pierce) simply to win.

#5 is an enormous step for the franchise. I, for one, am very excited to see The Bullets (sorry, not P.C. anymore, the Wizards) compete in a top heavy Eastern Conference.

Storyline #8: What does this all mean for Durant, Westbrook, and the Thunder?

Does Scott Brooks still have his job? I actually needed to look this up before I started answering this storyline question. The answer is yes (I think), for now. The Thunder were a Zach Randolph Punch away from being eliminated in the first round, which would have surely been the end for Brooks. Instead, the Thunder managed to make the Western Conference Finals, losing to the Spurs (sound familiar?) in 6 games. Yes, they didn’t have Ibaka for the first two games, but they won as many as they lost against San Antonio upon his return (2-2). Brooks is constantly chided for not running an offense. It’s a mono y mono show with Durant and Westbrook, and then when that fails, mayhem. But for some reason, Brooks has held his job. One finals appearance with a team that has one super-duper star, and another top 10 player is unacceptable.

The Thunder have Serge Ibaka, who is an athletic big man and premier rim protector. But OKC lack outside shooters that can take a pass from a penetrating Westbrook and/or Durant, and knock down three pointers on a consistent basis. Caron Butler, one of their few reliable shooters, signed with the Detroit Pistons. Mike Miller, a free agent they wanted, signed with the Cleveland Cavaliers for less money. Rashard Lewis signed with the Mavericks, and Ray Allen is considering the Rockets, Cavs, or retirement. You can’t say with a straight face that drafting Mitch McGary and Josh Huestis is enough for the Thunder to make a finals run.

2 Days Removed: Questions and Answers from the USA-Belgium Game (And More!)

 

After being eliminated in the Round of 16 on Monday night, we provide some closure on what was an exciting, and encouraging run in the 2014 World Cup for Team USA.

 

Was Clint Dempsey’s failed attempt to tie the game at 2 more his own fault, or an excellent read by Thibaut Courtois?

The low shot into Courtois’ body was really Dempsey’s only option at that point. After a brilliant set piece play, Dempsey took a bad first touch that allowed Courtois to rush out and cut down any angle for a finish. If Dempsey handled the ball better initially, then we could have seen a 2-2 tie and shootout. Not that taking a deft first touch was easy; the pass was quite fast. Basically, Courtois made the correct move of rushing out at Dempsey, who didn’t have a lot of options for a tying goal when he finally got set to take a shot.

Ignoring the fact the Chris Wondolowski COMPLETELY BOTCHED the USA’s best chance at winning yesterday, did it make sense to substitute him in the game as opposed to Jozy Altidore?

 

Yes. The US needed a striker to allow Dempsey and Bradley to slide back to their normal positions. Aron Johannsson looked lost when he replaced the injured Altidore in the first game against Ghana. Wondolowski, despite his massive error, was the right substitute. Not to think too far ahead, but Wondo would have also been valuable in a shootout if the match was still tied.

 

Despite Klinsmann’s proclamation that Altidore was “fit,” it seemed quite obvious after the fact that Altidore’s injury was severe enough that a 15 day layoff was not enough time for recovery. Subbing him in would be extremely risky, considering Klinsmann only had 3 substitutions for the entire match. If Altidore re-injured himself, it could have limited the US team to ten men.

What aspect of the USA’s game was worse yesterday, their midfield possession (Tim Howard not included) or their offense?

 

The midfield possession was pathetic, and really stood out throughout the game. Their inability to hold and move the ball led to a retreat of the US deeper and deeper in their own zone. The commentators kept pointing out (before the defense finally broke) that the United States’ play was unsustainable. During the 2nd half, it seemed like just a matter of time before Belgium scored, and that turned out to be a correct assumption. This goes back to the US lack of technical ability; to hold off defenders in tight areas, take small, smart touches on the ball, make accurate passes across the field, etc etc. The US’ physical and competitive ability is impressive, but not enough to beat the top teams.

 

After watching this game, how good is Belgium, and how far could they go in this tournament?

 

Belgium is a very, very good team. I’d imagine their fan base don’t have any nails left, considering all of their goals have come after the 70th minute this tournament. But, a win is a win, and the Red Devils are 4-0. Taking a look at their next matchup against Argentina, most people would give them a good shot. Argentina barely the Swiss team yesterday, and have not looked impressive this tournament, despite Messi’s brilliant efforts.

 

Belgium has the luxury of fielding a team full of potential contributors. For example, Kevin de Bruyne was the best player on the field yesterday, while Hazard and Mertens weren’t as influential as they usually are. Further, Romelu Lukaku–who had an awful tournament before yesterday’s match–came on as a late substitute and changed the game with a goal and assist.

Tim Howard is 35 right now. Is there any chance that he plays in the 2018 World Cup in Russia?

 

Yes, but only so he can secretly infiltrate the KGB and high level Russian officials within the government under orders of POTUS.

 

Do you expect Jurgen Klinsmann to be the coach of the USMNT in 4 years?

 

Yes, and I say this with confidence. Klinsmann is in charge of football operations across the United States, and will have an enormous influence on shaping  young players’ development. What was obvious (and has been for quite a while) is that the USMNT’s technical ability is not up to snuff with the top teams in the world. Clearly, a new philosophy must be implemented on an enormous scale, and the US must cast a wide net and appeal to our best athletes. Klinsmann has been handed the reins of a nation’s soccer hopes, and he deserves to coach in at least one more World Cup.

On a level of 1 to 10, how impressive was DaMarcus Beasley this tournament?

 

I was unfairly hating on Beasley before the start of the tournament, but he had a helluva Cup. In 2010, he was used sparingly by head coach Bob Bradley, and I figured him too small and not fast enough to play left back. And I was wrong. Beasley played every minute of this World Cup, which is no small feat. Viewers saw Altidore and Besler exit with injuries in the first match against Ghana, and Geoff Cameron make repeated mistakes against Portugal. We saw mandated water breaks by the referees due to the extreme heat and humidity. We even saw Fabian Johnson exit the match against Belgium because of a upper leg injury.

 

But US fans should not just laud Beasley for his impressive endurance; the guy also played very, very well. He repeatedly beat defenders down the sideline and fired searching crosses into the box. Beasley battled against bigger and stronger opponents all tournament, and did not back down. This is in all likelihood his last World Cup, and he could not have gone out on a better note.

How much of Michael Bradley’s poor play was affected by the fact that he was playing out of position once Jozy Altidore got injured?

 

Landon Donovan seemed to think this was a big reason for Bradley’s poor play. But Donovan may be just a bit biased, after not being picked on the USMNT (if you read the whole article, you’ll notice just how critical Donovan was of Klinsmann’s ‘tactical’ choices on the pitch). Anyways, the simple answer is ‘yes’. Bradley’s strength is delivering beautiful long passes upfield to forwards; he is not an offensive midfielder, and likes playing behind a group of attackers. Think of him as a poor man’s Andrea Pirlo.

 

But Bradley’s positioning does not excuse his blatant mishandling of the ball at key points during the US’ matches. Against Ghana, when the US had taken a 2-1 lead late in the game, Bradley turned the ball over and gave his opponents one last chance to get an equalizer. And then again against Portugal, Bradley inexcusably lost possession, leading to Ronaldo’s beautiful cross and Varela goal in the waning seconds. Bradley was not at his best this tournament, and it hurt the United States’ play. He is such a vital part of the team’s success, so his average performance was not enough. However, like Demarcus Beasley, Bradley played every minute in Brazil, and he should be applauded for that.

 

Were you surprised by how much Belgium dominated in the 2nd half?

 

To be clear, Belgium was dominating the entire game. I guess in the second half they were even stronger, pushing the US back deep into their own zone. But from the second minute, Tim Howard was under assault.

After seeing DeAndre Yedlin and Julian Green shine for the US yesterday, what are your hopes for the team’s future?

 

This World Cup was most likely the last for Dempsey, Howard, Beasley, and others. Bradley is only 26, so US fans can look forward to seeing him in Russia in 2018. As the Old Guard exits, the USA’s young players will be pushed into starting roles. DeAndre Yedlin is an exciting player. He’s built like a tank, and has scorching speed. USA fans only got to see 15 minutes of Julian Green, but he made an immediate impact. Fabian Johnson was also an impressive young starter for the US, and everyone became a John Brooks fan after his heroic, game-winning header against Ghana. The future is bright, USA fans.

 

The Bandits vs. The Red Devils

Before I give reasons why the US has a shot today against Belgium, I have to admit something. This did happen about a year ago. The Red Devils ran circles around the US defense. Who knows how it will play into the team’s mindset today; it could be motivation for the US, or they could be fearful. Belgium could be overconfident and complacent, or know they have the upperhand.

 

The USMNT finds themselves back in the Round of 16 at the World Cup for the third straight time. Not too shabby, especially when you consider that the US has a decent chance of advancing to the quarterfinals. Their opponent this afternoon is Belgium, a country with deep ethnic division (Flemings versus the Walloons) that has been pegged the ‘Darkhorse’ favorites to make serious noise in the tournament. Belgium’s performance thus far, however, has been very… ordinary. Yes, they won Group H, but that’s like saying Raptors won the Atlantic Division this past year. Belgium went 3-0, and that’s a damn good start, but Algeria, Russia, and South Korea are not exactly mighty opponents. Let us not forget that the U.S. played the likes of Ghana, Portugal, and Germany. Strength of schedule anyone?

 

Belgium did not look great in their first game against Algeria, having to score two late goals to escape with a victory. Substitutes Marouane Fellaini (the guy with the hair, Manchester United) tied it,  and Dries Mertens (Napoli) put Belgium ahead. Their second match against Russia was similarly undecided late in the game, when Eden Hazard moved magically with the ball around defenders into the box, and found his teammate for a ‘gimme’ in the 88th minute. In their final match, the Red Devils’ played the entire second half with 10 men against South Korea after a Seven Defour red card, yet found a way again to sneak out with 3 points.

 

Thus, I think the US has a great shot of beating Belgium today. Belgium will have the best player on the field in Chelsea star Eden Hazard, so the US will have to be careful of giving him space to operate with the ball. Also dangerous, and aforementioned, is Dries Mertens;  A speedy, attacking midfielder that will race up the field on counter attacks and inflict damage on an opponent that underestimates him. Luckily for the US, Romelu Lukaku has been almost invisible at striker. Expectations for him were quite high, and when fellow Belgium striker Christian Benteke tore his achilles before the World Cup, the weight on Lukaku’s shoulders increased ten-fold. The Everton star has not seemed to handle this pressure well.

 

Offensively, Belgium has not impressed. Defensively, however, Belgium is solid at the back with Man. City stopper and central defender Vincent Kompany, as well as Atletico Madrid (and Chelsea) keeper Thibaut Courtois. Belgium has only allowed one goal this tournament, and it was a penalty kick against Algeria on a questionable call. I’d imagine this game to follow the trend of Belgium’s first three games; a defensive-minded affair between both teams that ends in a 1-0 or 2-1.

 

It will be very interesting to see how Jozy Altidore is used, if at all. The Tweet heard ‘round the states from the USMNT handle yesterday claimed he is fit. I’d love to have Altidore back; he’s the U.S.’ only player with a combination of speed and strength that can play at the top of Klinsmann’s formation with menace. His injury, however, occurred just 15 days ago, and looked pretty darn debilitating. It will be a risky choice to put Altidore in, especially when this game could go 120 minutes. Remember, each team only has 3 substitutes.

 

Regardless, I have high hopes for ‘The Bandits’ (even if they have the lamest team name) today. Belgium is a very good team, but I’d be surprised if they make the US look like a JV squad (think Germany match). And not to look ahead, but, let’s look ahead. I’m thinking Switzerland may just upset Argentina, which could clear a possible path for a semi-final birth. Jurgen Klinsmann has already told his players and their families to change their return flights until after the final on July 13th. Wishful thinking? Probably, but I can’t wait to find out.

 

Highlights From The Draft

 

Last night, we watched the NBA Draft in its entirety in George’s lovely apartment. The draft went on for quite some time, but we certainly wouldn’t have reached the end without a little help from our good ol’ friend alcohol. The draft had several storylines, so many in fact that we weren’t able to cover all of them in this piece. We did however take notes while we watched, and here are some of the things we wrote down. We hope you will enjoy our rantings as much as we enjoyed listening to ourselves talk.

-We decided to play a drinking game where you take a swig of your beer every time an NBA buzzword was mentioned. These words include, but are not limited to, “analytics”, “Stretch-4”, and “upside”. Needless to say, Jay Bilas was like one of those devices you get handed at restaurants while you’re waiting for a table, because the dude was buzzing all over the place. If it weren’t for Bilas, we both probably wouldn’t be feeling so miserable this morning. After Aaron Gordon was taken, Jay Bilas said the word “athlete” (or athleticism, athletic, etc. etc.) at least ten times in two sentences before I lost count (and sobriety).

-As expected, ESPN made sure to have a section of their “draft ticker” dedicated to NBA-related tweets. These were of course utterly useless. Lowlights included Dante Exum saying “These are the longest 5 minutes of my life! #nbadraft” and Chris Bosh tweeting something to the effect of “I remember when I was in the green room! Was super nervous until my name was called”. Both tweets were about as informative as they were entertaining.

-Canadians, everybody! That’s right, America. Three–count ‘em–three (!) Canadians were drafted in the top 20 of last night’s draft. Andrew Wiggins (1st overall to Cleveland), Nick Stauskas (8th overall to Sacramento), and Tyler Ennis (18th overall to Phoenix) all made it clear that Team Canada will be a force to be reckoned with come 2016 in Rio for the Summer Olympic Games. Hopefully their interviews will be as hilarious as their fellow Canadian’s.

-Jabari Parker is a Mormon! I didn’t know this until Thursday morning, but apparently George did. George knew this because he’s smart, and follows top basketball recruits (especially if they play at the famous Simeon Academy in Chicago). BYU was on Parker’s list of schools he visited and seriously considered, meaning he better be a goddamn Mormon to consider going to school in Utah. Either way, this lead to a fun debate about whether Parker would take time off to serve his mandatory 2-year mission to the church, or whether or not they would excommunicate him if he didn’t. Turns out Jabari has not served as of yet, and doesn’t plan on it any time soon. What a letdown.

-Without a doubt, the best non-draft related moment for me was when all the ESPN personalities made fun of Jay Bilas for being from a gated community. Jalen Rose (who had a red rose lapel on his outside suit pocket) was definitely entertained, I was definitely entertained, and Bill Simmons was definitely unsure of what he could or couldn’t say in order to not appear racist.

-We were both ecstatic that Dante Exum was taken at #5 and was off the board when the Celtics picked. Not a big fan, and the Celtics totally would have gambled on him, and to be fair, if he had fallen to #6, I think every team would have taken him. Exum chose not to play college basketball, and shined in Australia. Congrats, dude. You know who else shined in Australia? This guy. Exum has upside (buzzzzzz, and drink!), and a lot of it, but I’m thinking he could bottom out as a Gerald Green (who has actually semi-resurrected his career in Phoenix). Exum impressed at a Nike Hoop Summit in May 2013, and that is exactly why I’m glad Celtics didn’t have the opportunity to roll the dice on him.

 

-Celtics!!!!! I LOVED the way the Celtics drafted last night. When it was the Celtics turn to pick at #6, George and I quickly scribbled down the note: “Randle or Smart”. We both knew that those two individuals have what it takes to become strong NBA players, but perhaps Smart had a little more upside (drink!!!). I think that’s what the Celtics were thinking as well, as they opted to pick him over Randle (who was selected next by the Lakers, 7th overall). Smart kind of reminds me of a young Paul Pierce–a guy who may be a little immature right now, but is a smart dude (pun absolutely intended), and can play multiple positions. Currently listed as a point guard, I could see Smart moving to a 2 if he develops a jump shot. Like Pierce, Smart’s ability to get to the basket and shoot free throws is terrific. Smart was a 72.6% free-throw shooter in college, and I expect this to improve as he enters The League. With a strong head coach in Brad Stevens, I wouldn’t be surprised if Smart began to distance himself from some of the actions which lead to him being labeled as a “trouble-maker”. One more note on Marcus Smart: Bill Simmons pointed out that it will be extremely hilarious to hear people from Boston pronounce his name (Mahhhcus Smahhht) and I couldn’t agree more. Tommy Heinsohn is going to have a freakin’ field day.

If the Marcus Smart pick made me a little bit anxious about passing on Julius Randle, the C’s selection at #17 did no such thing. James Young proved to be an excellent player in this year’s NCAA tournament (his ability to create his own shot was a thing of beauty vs. Uconn), and probably provided the most electrifying play of the tournament (in the Championship Game, no less). Young’s combination of speed, strength, agility and height (the dude is 6 ft. 7) make me extremely excited to see him don the famous green and white jersey. While picking two guards last night may have been a sign that Rajon Rondo and Avery Bradley are on their way out of the organization, it also demonstrates that the Celtics are ready to build their team for the long-term. On a night where many fans and prognosticators expected Boston to trade their picks for other assets, the Celtics selected two blue-chippers who could be major contributors in the near future.

-After each player was selected, the ESPN analysts would give their “comps” (comparisons for the uninitiated) to previous NBA players drafted before them. Some comps (definitely a buzz-word if you were wondering) were interesting while others were not only depressing but kinda superficial. One in particular that I had in mind was Doug McDermott, whose comps were Adam Morrison and Wally Szczerbiak. Eek.

Comps aside, I thought the Bulls trading for McDermott and giving up the 16th and 19th picks kind of made sense. I say “kind of” because the Nuggets got Gary Harris 19th overall, who I think is going to be a stud, but I also think the trade was smart because McDermott is a big dude who could really learn to defend under the tutelage of Tom Thibodeau and Joakim Noah. McDermott’s greatest quality–shooting and scoring the basketball– will also be extremely valuable for a Chicago team that struggles offensively, even with the presence of Derrick Rose. After missing out on a shooting guard like Harris, what will Chicago do at the 2-position? The answer is as obvious as Jay Bilas is white. Regardless of whether or not Melo signs with the Bulls, trading for McDermott  to play a 3 or “stretch-4” (drink!) to open up the shooting guard position for a big-name free agent was clearly the plan.

-I like that Jay Williams got the “interview-the-draftee-right-after-they-walk-off-stage” job this year. Williams–a star at Duke– was drafted #2 overall by the Bulls in 2002 before a horrific motorcycle injury that effectively ended his career. Although, his repetitive questions about the players’ family situations and overcoming adversity was touching and interesting at first, and then over the top.

-A little rant here from George: At precisely 9:51 P.M. EST, the Thunder are on the clock with there first pick of the night. Reese Davis says that OKC lost to the “world” champion Spurs in this year’s Western Conference Finals. This always grinds my gears. The Spurs are not “world” champions, they are NBA champions. They did not win any international tournament. Would they have? Yes, almost 100% guaranteed. But they did not beat the best club teams from around the world – so, Reese Davis, watch your words.

-If Partic Young doesn’t end up signing with an NBA team, I sure as hell hope he puts on a uniform for the New England Patriots. We need you at Tight End, Partic!

-Adam Silver was dapping up players all night, and we loved it.

 

Heartbreak in the Jungle

As the United States nearly pulled off one of the greatest victories in team history, George and Jesse were on opposite sides of the street, watching the game in separate bars. The following details their thoughts and emotions as they experienced frustration, ecstasy, and disappointment.

National Anthems and Pre-Game

George King: This was no bar. I was in the basement of a cafe that serves phenomenal Middle Eastern Cuisine. They had a good sized projector, and the 3:00 Algeria-South Korea was being streamed from a Mexican website. The place was empty, so after we finished eating, we simply moved to the couches in front of the projector. The Mexican website proved legitimate, as the waiter found a good link for the US game. In total, there were only 5 people or so in the basement watching the game. The comfort this provided the viewer (plus the fact it was BYOB) meant we were feeling good at 6:00 when the game commenced.

Jesse Pearlman: I had been sitting in Tavern in the Square in Cambridge since 4:00–two full hours before the game began. This was obviously the right decision, because by 4:30, all tables were full, and it was becoming quite difficult to make it to the bathroom through all the people who were standing. While I was quite pleased to see this much American support, my bladder had serious concerns, as I had already put away 3 or so beers.

 

5’: Nani (Portugal) scores the first goal of the game. 1-0, Portugal.

GK: Freakin’ Geoff Cameron. All I have to say is that defenders in the World Cup can’t make mistakes like that. I understand he’s not a world class defender, but the US team isn’t asking for world class play from Cameron (although they would certainly take it). The team needs Cameron to be smart and dependable, and to make the easy play. He needed to clear this ball, and he didn’t.

JP: This was obviously shocking, and dimmed the atmosphere to a level nearing “2013-2014 Boston Celtics home crowd”. To say that Geoff Cameron’s “mis-hit” (allowing Nani to score an easy goal) was a terrible mistake is like saying “Finishing that bottle of tequila 3 hours before I had work probably wasn’t the best idea”. What an awful way to start the game.

18’: Clint Dempsey shoots a ball just high of the right corner of the net.

GK: This free kick certainly gave me confidence that Clint Dempsey was on his game Sunday, and that his broken nose was not going slow him down. I don’t have much to add here besides the obvious: a clean strike that just went over the bar.

Here’s something funny: Zusi, Bradley, Jones, and Dempsey were all standing around the ball before Jones and Bradley departed. The four of them were standing around the ball for quite a while, and I enjoyed imagining all of them bickering over who gets to take the kick. I would like to think this happens in soccer all the time. When there’s a favorable free kick, everyone wants the shot at a highlight reel goal that shows their deft touch and magical skill.

JP: This is when I really started to believe that the US was going to draw, if not win, the game. The USMNT had rebounded extremely well since the Nani goal 5 minutes in, and controlled possession for most of the game leading up to this point. Dempsey’s shot on net was damn close, and I thought that the Americans were starting to show some promise. Turns out I was right.

Sidenote–I realized that getting up to pee during the game was actually a fantastic idea. Everyone had their eyes glued to the TV, and I could navigate through them with ease. Even though soccer has no breaks in the action, you can totally miss a minute or so because of the the rate of play being so slow. This rang especially true in the heavy heat of Manaus. And speaking of there not ever being breaks in the action…

 

39’: WATER BREAK!

GK: Love it. Didn’t know it could happen, but I guess after 30 minutes the Ref has the option to call for a timeout if the humidity and temp are certain levels. One look at the drenched uniforms of both teams, and water break seemed appropriate.

JP: Probably the most hilarious thing I’ve ever seen in a World Cup game, but mainly because George and I–and anyone else who follows the World Cup–had been talking about the shitshow that is the stadium in Manaus for months now. Temperatures read 89 degrees Fahrenheit (yes, that’s right, World. I’m still going to use Fahrenheit even though this is a global competition) and humidity was off the charts (the phrase “off the charts” means that I’m too lazy to look up what the humidity actually was at the time).

45’: Nani shoots towards net but is stopped by a diving save from Tim Howard

GK: Tim Howard strikes me as a cool dude. And his composure is excellent.

JP: Timmy Howard was beginning to look like Timmy Thomas, and I was loving it. If the United States had one significant advantage over Portugal, it was their goaltending, and it was starting to become a crucial factor in the game.

 

46’: Tim Howard misplays a shot towards net, the ball hits off the post and careens off towards the center of the box. Howard recovers in time to make a spectacular save with his right hand, while nearly falling over onto the ground.

GK:  Tim Howard is an extremely good athlete. This is becoming more and more apparent with his saves and goalkeeping style. Granted, he put himself in a difficult position and lost his footing, but Howard’s recovery was impressive to say the least.

 

JP: This set of plays nearly ruined, then saved our chances of advancing past the group stages. The first saving attempt by Howard was terrible, and nearly let in the second goal of the contest, but the rebound opportunity that Tim Thomas Howard saved with the tip of his hand was absolutely breathtaking. I LOVED that save. It got the crowd going in the bar again, and I finally felt like resuming my quest to get very drunk.

55’: Michael Bradley’s shot attempt on an open net is blocked by a Portuguese defensemen.

GK: Could not have asked for a better chance if you were Michael Bradley and the USA. All he had to do was elevate the ball and the it was a goal. I know this is easier said than done, but c’mon. It’s very difficult to not have a play like that haunt you, but Bradley played a magnificent game…until 30 seconds left in the match (more on that later).

JP: Classic soccer play if you ask me. I don’t watch that much soccer year-round, yet I still feel like I see this exact play fairly often. Yes, Bradley had a wide open net and managed to find the knee of the only defender standing in front of it, but it wouldn’t be a proper soccer game without at least one agonizing non-goal. While I thought the U.S. had clearly missed their chance to get back in the game, I remained somewhat confident because of the way they continued to play. This was clearly a different team than the one that showed up against Ghana. Yes, they were trailing by a goal, but the USA were attacking and playing aggressively. I thought a goal was going to come in the short-term, and that the Portuguese looked borderline exhausted already because of the heat (did you SEE how red Cristiano Ronaldo’s face was??).

64’: Jermaine scores a goal from far out to tie the game at 1.

GK: What a strike. The keeper was frozen in place, and I think in part it was because his vision was blocked. But it didn’t matter – even if he saw that shot, he would not have had a chance to make the save. Jermaine Jones was our best player on the field against Ghana, and again, was playing a phenomenal match. After the corner kick deflected out of the box to him, Jones created a yard of space to his right foot. He blasted the ball which curled around some Portugese players and tied the game. Right away, fans forgot the Bradley chance, and began to realize that we have a star on our hands in Jermaine Jones.

JP: This goal was so shocking that even Portugal’s goalie didn’t know how to react. Neither did I, because like every goal in soccer, I always wait 10-15 seconds to determine whether or not it’s going to be called off because of an offsides. I would digress to take some time to complain about this, but since the same thing happens in “American” football with pass interference, I’m going to shrug my shoulders. Anyways, the Jermaine Jones goal was an an amazing strike (not as good as Messi’s on saturday, but close). This moment also seemed important to me because Jermaine Jones has had an excellent World Cup thus far. Like I said before, my soccer knowledge is limited, but Jones was one of the guys on the US team who I trusted whenever he had the ball. As for the shot, I didn’t know he had it in him, but I was certainly glad he did. The crowd in the bar went berserk; the reaction being a slightly toned-down version of this.It was at this point when I texted George saying “Tim Howard=MVP”. Minutes later, that case strengthened.

 

66’ Portugal’s Raul Meiriles has a strong shot saved once again by Tim Howard

GK: Tough angled shot, but Meiriles hit it hard and low, a tough stop for any keeper. Howard was up to the task.

JP: The USA is absolutely going to win this game.

 

81’: Clint Dempsey scores to give the USA a 2-1 lead.

GK: Dempsey scores with a brilliant strike on the edge of the box! Well, not exactly, but hey, you take ‘em any way you can get them. And goals scored with your stomach count the same as goals scored with one’s foot. So Dempsey showed soccer fans how to use their abdomens, and the US looked strong with a 2-1 lead. DeAndre Yedlin, a 20 year old substitute, was able to get a dangerous cross into the box that took a deflection to Bradley. Bradley’s shot took another deflection, and ended up with Zusi, who found Dempsy right in front of net. Again, not pretty, but the captain finished.

JP: The Dempsey goal was wonderful because of the intense build-up that lead to it. As man after man touched the ball in the box, the crowd noise in the bar raised to a crescendo, and when the ball dribbled off of Dempsey’s stomach into the net, it was euphoria. I may have blacked out for a second, but only because I stood to my feet so quickly and climbed up on a chair in about 1.6 seconds. I sincerely wish I could have lived in this moment forever, with fans going wild, and a highly improbable scenario unfolding in the favor of my country’s national soccer team. I hadn’t experienced an atmosphere like this since I was at a bar to watch the Red Sox win the World Series last October.

After everything settled down, I looked down at my phone and saw I had received a text from George’s girlfriend. The text read something to the effect of “Yo dude, I don’t have my phone with me. So effing proud to be an American right now”.

 

95’: Silvestra Valera scores on a header off a wonderful pass from Christiano Ronaldo. The game is tied 2-2, and ends seconds afterwards.

GK: A brutal way to end the game. With about 40 seconds remaining, the US held the ball in Portugal’s end. Bradley lost possession, and the counter attack was on. Ronaldo delivered a world class ball to Valera, who had an extremely easy finish. The defender that was beat? Geoff Cameron – same guy who couldn’t clear and gave Nani an easy put away. The toughest part was seeing Tim Howard’s exasperation as the ball hit the back of the net; there was nothing he could do, and his face said it all. The US played so damn well, and were 10-20 seconds from moving on. And now we have to get a result against Germany to ensure a round of 16 matchup, most likely with Belgium.

JP: I really don’t want to type this paragraph. It wasn’t the fact that Portugal scored so close to the end of the game (I’ve seen that happen against the Bruins too many times to be wounded by a moment like that), but the way in which Portugal scored that really got me. Yes, the pass from Ronaldo leading to the goal was nothing short of amazing, but the ease in which the Portuguese ran down the field in scored was horrifying. The game ended in a tie, but it stung as much as any loss I’ve witnessed in the sport (4 years ago vs. Ghana comes to mind).

 

Post-Game: What We learned, and What We Have to Look Forward To

GK: It was a helluva match, and the US looked very impressive. I know Portugal was playing with a depleted roster (world class defenders Pepe and Fabio Coentrao weren’t playing), but credit is still due to the US. Klinsmann had the boys ready for the heat, and they put on a valiant display of sportz. I’m confident in the direction of the organization as a whole, as the young players continue to impress, and Klinsmann continues to make the right decisions.

The US is still in the drivers seat in the sense that they control their own destiny, but they’re playing Germany. So in reality, the US is in the passenger’s seat and hopes they aren’t thrown out of the car before they reach their destination. We can only hope the US advances so we aren’t left thinking of how the 95th minute header from the Portuguese substitute ruined the 2014 World Cup for the USMNT.

JP: What I learned from this game is that I care more about soccer than I realized. This loss tie truly hurt like any Boston defeat would. I’m still thinking about this game out of frustration today, and Bradley’s ineffective attempt to clear the ball towards Portugal’s end is flashing over and over in my head like Wes Welker’s drop in the 2012 Super Bowl. I think that the worst thing about this game is that we have to wait until Thursday to figure out what this all means. In all likelihood, the U.S. will be heading to the round of 16 by 2pm on Thursday, but if they don’t, this game will go down in history as one of the worst collapses in US World Cup history–in my mind at least. I want the Americans to get back on the pitch right now, and settle their business with Germany. Having to wait 4 days seems almost cruel.

Last night banged home the point that no matter the sport, no matter the competition, winning is everything, losing can hurt more than winning brings joy, and as always, ties suck.

The King is Dead

The greatest run in football history is no more. Spain’s 2-0 defeat at the hands of Chile means an early exit for the defending champions. They have been outscored 7-1 in two games, and that score does not exaggerate how thoroughly they’ve been dominated. The Netherlands ran circles around their defense (literally), and against Chile, they seemed apathetic at best. Their offense, built on quick passes and possession, floundered. Time and time again, the ball was turned over and inaccurate passes were made. And it wasn’t one player – the whole team looked… rusty? Spain lacked the discipline, precision, and energy that made them the best in the world for 6 years.

The Chile defeat could very well have been a leftover of the confidence-shattering loss to the Dutch. However, one would think it could have been a wake up call for Spain. A slap in the face that would wake the sleeping giant, and they would return to form as a force to  be reckoned with. Spain’s manager, Vincent del Bosque, hoped this would be the case. “Rebel against defeat” was his rallying cry (can you imagine if any US coach/manager talked like this? Europeans’ prose is simply beautiful). Spain, however, merely laid down against defeat. There was no rebellion, no fight.

Quick aside: If I can superficially compare Spain’s play to a recent performance of a US sports team, I had flashbacks to the Bruins collapse against the Canadiens. Coming into the playoffs, the Bruins were favorites to advance to the Stanley cup for the 3rd time in 5 years. But the Bruins’ lackluster performance in Game 6 and 7 led to their demise. And it wasn’t just the losses, but the way in which they lost. Similarly to Spain, they looked tired and apathetic, or maybe just old.

Spain’s early exit sent shock waves across the sporting world because of what the team had recently accomplished. The nation’s first world cup victory, sandwiched in between two European Championships ain’t a bad 6-year resume. And the 2014 Spanish National Team had an extraordinarily similar roster (which may have been the problem), as del Bosque refused to take exciting young players like Isco and Daniel Carvajal, while keeping Koke and Santi Carzola on the bench until it was too late. There were questions coming in to the World Cup that Spain may have been over the hump, but no one expected this performance from the World Champions.

The 2-0 throttling at the hands of Chile on Wednesday, however, may say more about the Chilean National Team than the Spanish team. Chile looks like a legitimate contender all of a sudden. The awkwardly shaped country on the Western coast of South America that sits in the shadow of Argentina and Brazil is lurking. Chile’s best player, Arturo Vidal, who plays midfield at Juventus (along with Paul Pogba of France and Andre Pirlo of Italy, form arguably the best midfield of any club in the world), thinks his team can make noise in the tournament of all tournaments. Along with Alexi Sanchez of FC Barcelona, Eduardo Vargas of Valencia, and a whole lot of other players that I’m not going to pretend to know, Chile has the roster to seriously compete with the established powers of international football.

So, enough about Spain. After their meaningless game against Australia next week, they’ll pack up and go home. Chile, meanwhile, has an very important game against the Netherlands. Even though both are guaranteed a round of 16 match, the second place team will place the first place team from Group A. In all likelihood, this will be Brazil. Brazil has not looked overly impressive, but avoiding a round of 16 matchup with the Cup favorites on their home soil is certainly favorable. If Chile can sneak out as winners of Group B, they will have to shed their underdog role as they will become Cup contenders.